


I Don’t Wanna Think Anymore

by faithinthepoor



Series: Glee [17]
Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-13
Updated: 2014-07-13
Packaged: 2018-02-08 18:22:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1951407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithinthepoor/pseuds/faithinthepoor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set following Auditions</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don’t Wanna Think Anymore

**Author's Note:**

> In my series this follows [I’m Not That Girl](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640810), [It Sucks to be Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640836), [Kiss Me Goodbye](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640850), [We All Have Sorrow](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640862), [I’m Not Myself Lately](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640884), [I Ain’t the Worst You’ve Ever Seen](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640900), [I Know That I’ve Got Issues](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640908), [You’ll Never See What You’ve Done to Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641365), [Everyone Must Stand Alone](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641370), [I Should Be Happy](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641377), [Every Now and Then I Fall Apart](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641387), [I Wish That I Had Jesse’s Girl](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641391), [I Dreamed That God Would Be Forgiving](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641394), [I Don’t Want To Be Friends](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641401), [I’m a Loser Baby](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641414) and [I Sometimes Wish I’d Never Been Born At All](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641422)

When she was in elementary school the first day of a school year invariably involved being asked to write a story on how she had spent her summer vacation. It’s a shining example of the originality and creativity in the school curriculum but it was actually something that she looked forward to. Her summer vacations were always exciting. When she looks back on them now, they seem kind of magical. She suspects that she is looking at things through rose coloured glasses but she’s ok with that – the past might as well be rose tinted because future certainly isn’t going to be.

Her biggest problem was always that she had too much to write about. Her holidays were filled with theme parks, shopping sprees and quality time with her family. Not to mention the fact that there were always trips away, usually to somewhere with a beach. Although the location hardly mattered, writing about anywhere else was better than writing about Lima.

The crowning jewel of each summer was the time she spent with her father. No matter how busy he was he always set aside one day as their daddy/daughter day. It was their time and he treated her like a princess. Whatever she asked for on that day she got, no questions asked. She liked the presents, there is no doubt about that, but they weren’t anywhere near as important as the feeling that he had dedicated the time to her. In the whole world he only had eyes for her on that day. 

In retrospect he probably worked before they left for the day and then again when he got home. For all she knows he could have been making phone calls when he was meant to be in the bathroom or while she was in change rooms. Still, it had seemed like it was all for her and that her father, her hero, would do anything for her. Nowadays that same father wouldn’t even bother to try and save her if she were drowning. It’s hard to believe he ever loved her if he could treat her this way. She has to believe that he did though, she has to believe that what happened was all her fault, because if she loses those magical days from summers gone by she loses the best moments of her life.

She is glad that school has changed and that there is no need for them all to write something about what they did between the time that a bell rang to end a year and another bell rang to start a new one. If she had to write an essay about this summer vacation then she would have to lie.

It briefly occurs to her that maybe people thought she lied in the past. They may have thought she was only pretending to have had a wonderful summer. That’s unlikely though. At worst her teachers might have had doubts but the other children would have believed every word. She was popular, she was the one everyone wanted to be close to, she could have written that they vacationed on the moon and they would have just looked at her in awe. They would never think that she would need to lie. She was Quinn Fabray and if Quinn Fabray’s life wasn’t perfect then the world would simply not have made sense.

Things changed and what everyone did on their break started to mean less. When they returned at the start of a new school year they were interested in other things. They wanted to know who got fat, who got braces and who got acne and who got skinny, who got breasts and who got hot. She weathered those changes well. God gave her all of the right things and ensured that she remained at the top of the food chain.

This year people would be very interested to know how she spent her summer. There is nothing like a fall from grace to attract unwanted attention. She knew that she would be the source of intense scrutiny when she returned and so she was determined that her return be as triumphant as possible. Her summer holidays became an endless stretch of low fat and low carbs, of sits up and zumba and of measuring and weighing herself until she was sure that her body was everything that it was before the baby ruined it. Well almost everything that it was – her breasts are a little less perky and even though she has been told that no one else can see them she is aware of the lattice of stretchmarks all over her stomach. 

The worst change of all is more hidden but completely damning. She has no idea why none of her sex ed classes bothered to mention that if you are stupid enough to get yourself knocked up, and then stupid enough to proceed with that pregnancy, that your nipples will darken. They spent all this time harping on about chlamydia and gonnorhoea and how they could cause infertility and no time at all letting her know that her nipples would turn brown. She should have been so lucky to have gotten a sexually transmitted disease that rendered her incapable of having children. Instead she ended up with her own personal mark of Cain.

Beating her body into submission was gruelling but it was the easy part of her summer. The harder part was trying to get over her girls. Her Beth. Her Rachel. The emotions associated with her loves were the complete opposite. One would have wanted Quinn but Quinn couldn’t keep her. The other could have had Quinn but didn’t want her. If their feelings were reversed her life would have been perfect instead of a complete shit storm.

From the moment she first saw Beth she was totally and utterly besotted. She had thought that despite her better judgement, and against her will, she had bonded with the baby growing inside of her but when she looked at her perfect daughter the feeling of love that swept through her was overwhelming. She could not reconcile Beth with the creature in her abdomen who tried to destroy her life. It’s hard to believe that she had a part in making this wonderful little person. It’s impossible to believe that Puck had a part in it.

She knows that there were people, her mother included, who believed that once she had seen her child she would never be able to give her up. Quinn doesn’t know what it says about her that she didn’t keep the baby. Plenty of people will say that she did the right thing; that she gave her daughter the chance of a better life but she’s not really positive that any child is going to have that if they are raised by Shelby Corcoran. Her daughter will want for nothing as far as musical theatre training goes but she worries that other aspects of Beth’s life might be neglected. 

What no one is asking is the one thing that she can’t stop asking herself – how can you love someone as much as she loves Beth and just give them away? Everyone talks of what she did as a selfless act for the betterment of the baby but she is certain that it’s the most selfish thing that she has ever done. As much as she loves Beth she didn’t love what Beth would do to her life. Quinn is just like her father which means she is so much more screwed up than she ever imagined.

There was a point when she thought her life could be bigger. That she could get beyond the meaningless trappings of status and be something real. That all went away when Rachel Berry decided that it was easier to be with a meathead than with Quinn. It made her realise that even Rachel, who in reality had nothing to lose, wouldn’t risk the fallout of them being together. Now that there is no need for Quinn to ever to be brave or to reject the system that created her all that is left is for her to do is reclaim her rightful place at the top of the pyramid. She would once again become Quinn Fabray.

Putting her body back in A1 shape was an essential part of her plan but she knew that it wouldn’t be enough. She could be swimsuit model hot and tumble like a Romanian gymnast and Sue Sylvester would not be swayed. To regain a place on the Cheerios would require something far greater than talent and attractiveness. It would require earning Sue Sylvester’s respect and the only way to do that would be to appeal to the black pump in the coach’s chest that serves as a heart.

It took a long time for her to come up with the right angle. It essentially meant that she spent her summer scheming. She’s not proud of that fact but as she is only interested in the ends what does it matter if she had to sell her soul for the means? Using her unplanned pregnancy as a weapon and trumpeting her Christianity while doing it is down right Machiavellian and the moment she cottoned onto the idea she knew that Sue Sylvester would eat it up. Maybe the coach is right. Maybe she really is a young Sue Sylvester. Quinn always thought that Sue grew in Petri dish somewhere, or perhaps out of something congealing at the bottom of a fridge, but maybe she was teenager once. Perhaps she even had her own version of Rachel Berry who let her think that life could be different and then ripped it all away from her. All Quinn knows is that the only thing she has left now that means anything is victory so Quinn and the coach and going to get along just fine.

From the moment she put her uniform back on she felt a sense of purpose. She tied her ponytail so tight that her head hurt and hoped that it would block out any emotional pain that dared to try and surface. Santana offering herself up for the slaughter by having a boob job was an unexpected gift. Quinn took it as a sign that God was alright with her plan to use the church to further her cheerleading career. After all, the way she sees it, God owes her for not losing faith and it’s not like the church will get nothing out of the deal.

The only thing that nearly undid her was the sight of Rachel Berry. She had spent her entire vacation preparing herself for that moment and the wall that she was going to put up around her feelings. It turns out that despite ample construction time her wall was made of thinner material than the confetti that Sue Sylvester will fire from the cannon procured with Quinn’s blood money. Watching Rachel be happy with Finn was excruciatingly painful but it was harder still to watch Rachel’s dejection as the glee club turned against her.

Sure New Directions could have done with Sunshine. They could also do with a director who wants to win something rather than create his own little cult of civic minded, co-dependent Von Trapps. Unlike the rest of glee club she understands why Rachel had to do what she did. There simply was no other choice. When you have given up something that you really loved you will fight tooth and nail to keep what you have left. Sending the Korean girl to a crack den may have been extreme but it was effective. At least Rachel only betrayed a stranger, Quinn screwed over a friend to get what she wanted.

It was so hard not to go and comfort Rachel. Quinn wanted to tell Rachel that she understood her and supported her but she’s proud to say that she didn’t act on those urges. She can not afford to let Rachel get under her skin because madness lies that way. Madness and pain and Quinn wants no part of either. Other than the blip on her radar that is Rachel Berry her return to school has been positively glorious. She has achieved everything that she set out to do and a little more. For all intents of purposes she is once again Quinn Fabray so it sucks to learn that being Quinn Fabray makes her feel like crap.


End file.
